I am so cool.

Sometime last week, probably during one of my tipsy moments (and there were a lot last week but it was St. Paddy’s so I’m excused), I somehow sat on some wet paint while wearing my black wool coat. And because I’ve come home many nights tipsy, I apparently have been hanging my paint-stained coat up every night, then grabbing it the morning as I rush out, then wearing it around town completely oblivious my ass is painted white. So thanks to everyone in this town who saw me in all my ass-white glory and kept this info to yourself. Good to know.
Also good to know somewhere in this town there is an ass-shaped stain with my name all over it.

So you’d think I couldn’t get any coolor. Right? Wrong! Because I’m poor, my undies are looking quite shabby. Yup, no sexy times in my pants. But I guess I didn’t realize how shabby until some kind soul today snickered and said, “Do you know you have something hanging out of your pants?” (Words every girl wants to hear. Especially if you’ve ever walked out of the bathroom with toilet paper trailing). So guess what I have hanging out of my pants? None other than a huge chunk of elastic waistband of my oh-so-sexy undies. So I’m trying to be all nonchalant and I reach back and casually rip it out. THE WHOLE ENTIRE THING. Because I’m smart. I’m so smart I rip out the only thing that is keeping my shabby panties up. Needless to say my undies are not staying where they’re supposed to be. Plan for the rest of the day is to stay in my chair.

Good thing I’ve got an ass-stained coat to distract everyone.